I don't post on Tuesdays anymore, but Brenda Drake is holding a first line contest, so I thought I'd toss my name in the hat. :) Here goes...
Name: Carolyn Snow Abiad
Title: Burnt Amber
Genre: YA Historical Fantasy
Seyhan led us up the serpentine streets of Bebek to an unimpressive building Alexis and I would never have found on our own.
Here's the first paragraph, because I saw some others post theirs...
Seyhan led us up the serpentine streets of Bebek to an unimpressive building Alexis and I would never have found on our own. From the outside, it looked like any ordinary backstreet coffeehouse. The faded lime green stucco façade was punctuated by worn, wooden window frames and over the door hung a crooked hand-scribbled sign with the name of the shop. Few people went in or out, but all of them were well-heeled customers. An odd smell of freshly roasted coffee, mixed with dusty wool and candle smoke wafted out into the street.
Your writing is fantastic. I just felt like I was coming in part way through the story. So I'm not too sure about this as an opening.
ReplyDeletePutting it in with the paragraph improves it a lot.
I can so see this coffeehouse all faded green and with worn wood - all seemingly unloved and yet with a well to do clientelle!! I think your first sentence is definitely bolstered up by the paragraph!!! Well done you! Take care
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Love the imagery, including the scents of the village!
ReplyDeleteOhhh, great description! Love it!
ReplyDeleteNice job.
ReplyDeleteHey, #108 here, thought I'd pop by and check out your opener. I enjoy how you immediately set a scene. It conjures to mind a dark, tight corridor of buildings looming overhead. All n' all, well done!
ReplyDeleteCool! I love how you took us there. Great paragraph.
ReplyDeleteOh so fun! I’m always missing blogfests. I wish there was a central location to find all of them. I’m glad you posted the whole first paragraph it gives a better sense of mood. It makes me want to read the next one so I can find out what is in the shop and why we are there.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great first sentence, but it feels like it needs tightening. With the descriptions of the street, the building, the three characters, I wasn't sure what to focus on.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest focusing on whatever is most important in this sentence. if it's the building, make that the subject and lose the rest, or if it's the serpantine streets, or the guide or main characters...The rest can follow in the next sentences.
Maybe something more like
Alexis and I never would have found the unimpressive building on our own; not the way it was hidden in the alleys of serpentine streets.
I love it. It's descriptive without being too much. I may think about starting with the second sentence.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about my suggestion and now I am not sure about it. I don't know. The main thing is that it's very beautiful writing. Well done.
ReplyDeletenice work. I'm being picky here, but I'd cut unimpressive and leave for later on. You do a nice job of detail that it's unimpressive in the next few lines and it would make the sentence read more fluid IMO.
ReplyDeletegreat job!
ahh... I know where this is going... ! Love it~
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