tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post5159231757793334384..comments2024-03-28T06:10:51.330-04:00Comments on Saracen Heart: Turkish Monsters & A BlogfestCarolyn Abiadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10567399129586443513noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-52117184756850618222010-10-12T13:02:26.075-04:002010-10-12T13:02:26.075-04:00There was no point where I wasn't engrossed in...There was no point where I wasn't engrossed in the story. The hint about the dream, the residual pain -- this was a great draw in. I like that you explained more of it right away (sometimes that sort of mystery dangles for too long). The imagery of the dorm room, the fog, the track, her feelins about her enviornment made it. The tat, the dreams... I almsot feel like she was a demon being exorcised. It was exciting and intriguing. <br />BTW, Your first line was part of hte first section that set the mood. It was not, in itself, a 'hook.' However I've anaylzed the hook sentence of every book I've read for years, and it seems that the ones with the KAPOW factor often seem contrived. They get my attention, but don't always further the story the way something more organic might have. Your opening was very honest and led into your story. I wouldn't change it.Erin Kane Spockhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05376851676240606472noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-56568516966626271422010-10-12T11:49:13.869-04:002010-10-12T11:49:13.869-04:00I really enjoyed that story. I loved how you manag...I really enjoyed that story. I loved how you managed to subtly incorporate setting, culture, backstory, conflict into the brief intro. Very skillfully done. I'm completely drawn in and want to know more about her life, the tattoo, the dreams. Very nice entry. :)j.leigh.baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12086576155269323425noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-88704969175942331122010-10-12T07:08:46.299-04:002010-10-12T07:08:46.299-04:00I hope she had a much better afternoon. I love Gro...I hope she had a much better afternoon. I love Grover too what fun! :O)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-62666305161526762622010-10-12T03:55:00.933-04:002010-10-12T03:55:00.933-04:00This was quite an entertaininng piece; good job!
...This was quite an entertaininng piece; good job!<br /><br />However, I personally believe that we should have to wait to learn about the characters, at least a few pages in. Who they are should come in time, and hearing about the character's nightmares on the very first page just seemed so soon to me. Of course, that is just my opinion. I'm guessing a lot of people don't care. :)<br /><br />And I must admit, your first sentence did not really "hook" me. It seemed too nondescript for a very first line. But I have to partly disagree with Justin. The reason is not because it's passive. Most description IS passive and that's how it should be for the most part. After all, it would get old having your character say, "This apartment suffocates me" and so on. The character should be allowed to step back from the setting in order for it to shine on its own. So I wouldn't worry about that. Instead, I would have your first sentence be entirely unrelated to where the MC lives, UNLESS there is a very unique aspect to it.<br /><br />But anyway, I'm liking the concept and I would love to read more. :DAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-1055185286341461302010-10-11T17:18:41.819-04:002010-10-11T17:18:41.819-04:00I like the opening, especially since it involves d...I like the opening, especially since it involves dreams and I want to know more about that part for sure. I did get a little confused on the sentence about the mental case because it makes it sound like an object instead of a description about a person. I've only heard it used as "the person is a mental case" even though it comes from the concept of a case for a mental professional. But that is one random sentence. The main character could be interesting even if I don't understand everything that she talks about in this first excerpt.Dawn Embershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00214560861614476799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-51584879907654010032010-10-11T17:10:00.642-04:002010-10-11T17:10:00.642-04:00Nice opening scene you've got there, a definit...Nice opening scene you've got there, a definite hook! <br /><br />Just one question... with euro-sized, you mean what exactly? European or Euro as in coin sized? That threw me a bit. <br /><br />Tessa.xAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11046724975658216337noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-77076682210413802232010-10-11T15:25:04.527-04:002010-10-11T15:25:04.527-04:00I want to know more about those Turkish monsters. ...I want to know more about those Turkish monsters. I think they might show up behind the wheel of a speeding car.<br /><br />A great beginning to a good story. I do agree with others...tighten, etc. But I really don't want to discourage you.<br /><br />Nancy<br /> <a href="http://nrwilliams.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">N. R. Williams, fantasy author</a>N. R. Williamshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02174506528962095858noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-43526372832403223462010-10-11T14:51:13.034-04:002010-10-11T14:51:13.034-04:00I really like the premise of this. I'm intrigu...I really like the premise of this. I'm intrigued and would read more. I agree with others' comments that the relationship with Sybil and Seyhorn needs just a bit of work. If it's an important relationship later on, hint at it here so that we welcome him in the pages. I would definitely turn the page to read more about Sybil. Great job! :DBrenda Drakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01263237745979525170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-80547406978158106592010-10-11T13:58:20.909-04:002010-10-11T13:58:20.909-04:00Carolyn--
I am with Mesmerix on this one. The rel...Carolyn--<br /><br />I am with Mesmerix on this one. The relationship between the two characters didn't really add anything to the piece. Their dialgue was very bland--for me at least.<br /><br />I'd cut the other person out of the run, especially since the MC goes off alone anyway. You can always intro him another way, later like when he's important. <br /><br />Thanks for the read. <br /><br />JodiJodi Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216373059861459896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-11651981748969714752010-10-11T12:35:48.394-04:002010-10-11T12:35:48.394-04:00Hi Carolyn,
Thanks for sharing this piece. I just...Hi Carolyn,<br /><br />Thanks for sharing this piece. I just want to point something out from the start and you can take it or leave it. I would try to avoid starting passive in all instances. This sounds harsh, but "The apartment was suffocating," is just a boring sentence. You use that, and then do into why when it could all be one, gripping sentence from the start.<br /><br />Here's my suggestion: "The euro-sized flat stole my breath, the day's heat all too suffocating. I should have been used to it by now."<br /><br />I would start with the character's reaction to the suffocating feeling rather than being disconnected from sentence one.<br /><br />The rest of this is really great though. Your character is interesting and you've given the conflict she suffers.<br /><br />I would request to read more.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing!<br /><br />JWP<br /><a href="jwparente.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">In My Write Mind</a>Justin W. Parentehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05951018201906897315noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-40706423919562110632010-10-11T12:23:56.277-04:002010-10-11T12:23:56.277-04:00I was very interested in the dream and the interna...I was very interested in the dream and the internal thoughts of the MC, but I have to admit, I was not intrigued in the relationship between the two characters or the running. I would just assumed had the MC running alone with her thoughts and the nightmares. The other character didn't seem to add much to the piece.<br /><br />I think this is a great start, though, and I do want to know more. So you did accomplish the hook that you set out to do. I hope the critique helps and best of luck to you!!Stephanie Loréehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03512485557711771802noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-76261494500295468762010-10-11T11:39:28.317-04:002010-10-11T11:39:28.317-04:00it's changed! But I like it--it's much imp...it's changed! But I like it--it's much improved, tighter, to the point faster... awesome, Carolyn! It's really coming along~ Yay! :o)LTMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05239077455322030275noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-18234260351446659622010-10-11T11:30:24.633-04:002010-10-11T11:30:24.633-04:00An intriguing start, and one that manages to hook ...An intriguing start, and one that manages to hook the reader without giving away too much.stuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16388674850920848503noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-72508042066446992932010-10-11T10:39:07.499-04:002010-10-11T10:39:07.499-04:00I felt very drawn in by this character because i c...I felt very drawn in by this character because i can relate to the nightmares. I would really like to read more from her and the residue leftover from her dreams is very interesting. I like the setting which enables the character to think clearly which is also a part of her personality i enjoyed. Though I'm not a runner by any means. I do understand how exercise can really bring out thoughts. Well done..very intrigued with this one- I would turn the opageSummer Rosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08122694893668693244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-9058703303585750082010-10-11T09:30:25.736-04:002010-10-11T09:30:25.736-04:00We could use some of those monster signs here in K...We could use some of those monster signs here in KY. :) And I love blue furry creatures. :D<br /><br />Sorry my mind is on cold medicine so I'm not doing your chapter the injustice of reading it now, I'll be back. :(<br /><a href="http://fragilemouse.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow</a>Juleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02136045025997662057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-59236431556725007542010-10-11T08:40:54.487-04:002010-10-11T08:40:54.487-04:00"Anythink is possible when you smell like a m..."Anythink is possible when you smell like a monster" teehee<br /><br />Love the Turkish 'monster' signs... (is that really road rage warning?)<br /><br />Haven't read the pages yet (my split attention from work tends not to do justice to fiction I want to be serious about reading)--just wanted you to know no feedback isn't saying anything bad... just that I know I can't give it the attention it deserves at the mo, so I haven't read that part...Hart Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17599570189253229318noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-18530156795890589022010-10-11T08:38:22.879-04:002010-10-11T08:38:22.879-04:00Hi,
Good scene setting, and I'm absolutely br...Hi,<br /><br />Good scene setting, and I'm absolutely breathless from all that running! ;)<br /><br />I began assuming there is an attraction between the two MCs, but it was a little vague - nuances of affectionate glances missing. Then it appeared as though the dream sequence is the hook, and in all honesty it stands alone without need for previous interaction between the MC and Seyhan. Meaning she could have been totally alone out running, and no dstraction beyond that of the dream reverie, which is a great hook, good line of intrigue and a sinker in need for reader to want to read on. ;)<br />best<br />FFrancine Howarthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02326542867876257042noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-65593176181913839022010-10-11T08:34:07.927-04:002010-10-11T08:34:07.927-04:00Your main character is very engrossing!Your main character is very engrossing!C. N. Nevetshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00375714948653196993noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-207479524287004185.post-11110359649142786082010-10-11T08:23:36.626-04:002010-10-11T08:23:36.626-04:00I <3 anything Sesame Street. Elmo is the bomb. ...I <3 anything Sesame Street. Elmo is the bomb. LoL. ;-) <br /><br />You should check out the contest winners on my blog this morning!!! <br /><br />~JDJEhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12390400360357693403noreply@blogger.com